Storm the Castle!
by Ivanfanatic
Summary: I'm attempting to try out a battle fic here. A warped version of the battle of Crazed Beast from Hector's quest! Pascal is quite... scary.


I'm trying to write a battle fic... I don't know why. It starts off a bit rough but I'm hoping it gets better. REALLY hoping. The battle it takes place in is during Hector's quest called "Crazed Beast." Farina will make an appearance soon! YAY! Apologies for Eliwood lovers. I'm sorry that I pick on him. sometimes. ;; hee hee... R/R please, sorry if this chapter sucks. Tactician Kate

* * *

"On his left! NO! The other left!"

"Which lef-OW!"

"THIS left!" A silver blade came crashing down on the head of the enemy brigand. The brigand let out an exasperated grunt before falling to the ground, dead. A frown buried itself on the silver blade wielder's face as he yanked the bloody sword from the brigand's body, then slowly turned to the myrmidon standing behind him. "What part of left do you not understand?"

"Psh! Left, right, north, south, spaghetti, salad dressing, it doesn't make ANY sense!" Pete snorted, "You could have just said the BIG UGLY AXE MAN and I would have gotten it!"

"Salad dressing is not a direction!"

"That's beside the point! And what do you mean by other left!? There is only one left!"

"…You dare question the king?" Raven narrowed his eyes.

"YES-I mean-," Pete tried to retract his statement from Raven, but it was too late, and the myrmidon soon found himself punted halfway across the battlefield and right on top of Hector. A string of curse words followed by a loud shriek sounded from that part of the battlefield as Pete tried to escape the grasp of the angry Lord.

"Hector, I don't think he slammed in to you on purpose-"

"BAH humbug!" Hector kicked the writhing sacaen off of him and turned to glare at Eliwood. "Just get everyone off the field-LEGAULT! Leave that dead and decaying body alone you damn necrophiliac!- Get off the field, NOW!…Battle's over."

"But we haven't finished scouting the field!" Matthew's head popped up over a pile of dead bodies. "You wouldn't BELIEVE all the neat stuff I found!" His head disappeared again, stuff flying out behind him. "Woah, check this out! I could probably get 200 gold for this off e-bay!"

"MATTHEW!"

"Shut up!"

"Did you just tell me to shut up?"

"Yes."

"HA HA HA you got tooooooooold!" Mark sucked on his finger and pulled it out of his mouth, then shoved the slobber-covered finger in Hector's ear. "WET WILLYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"You want a wet willy!?" Hector grabbed Mark by the back of his shirt, then for no reason grabbed Wil and chucked them both into the 2 inch deep stream running through the landscape.

"What did I do!?" Wil snorted while Mark splashed around and called for help. Ignoring Mark's pleas, Hector calmly stood on the bridge and threw bread crumbs at the ducks that somehow…appeared… and were now nibbling at Mark's arms and legs.

"THEY HURTS!!" Mark swatted at the ducks, but they kept coming back. One duck would leave, and two more would come back. "Duckies… nooo…"

"Quack."

"WOOF!"

"Quack."

"BARK!"

"Elfire."

"Qua-wait-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mark burst into tears as the ducks burst into flames. He turned around and puffed out his cheeks, glaring at the all too familiar mage and monk standing on the bank. "You-" Mark was silenced as a bottle of Pure Water came flying out of nowhere, smacking Erk in the middle of the face. "HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!"

"THAT"S OUR LINES!" Pete, Fuzz, and Sherbert cried for no reason other than to make an appearance.

"OW!! KATE!" Erk snapped.

"YOU KILLED THE DUCKS!"

"They're part of our food rations." Eliwood explained, "We're low on protein-"

"Let's just eat Oswin!"

"You can't eat Oswin!"

"Marcus then!"

"You can't eat Marcus either!"

"True, he's all old and tough and NASTY."

"Not as old and nasty as you! And besides, you don't eat people!"

"Legault eats people?"

"What?" Legault looked up from a body he was pillaging.

"Your mom!"

"YOUR mom!"

"You defended Erk!" Kate pulled down her eyelid with her finger and stuck her tongue out at Eliwood. "And there's witnesses EVERYWHERE."

"DAMMIT!" Eliwood cursed and stormed off towards the tent. "I'll be in my tent wallowing in self pity if anyone needs me!"

"…You SO started that one." Lucius turned to the tactician that was now rolling around on the ground.

"Did NOT!" She fussed and kicked her shoe at him, which Lucius easily dodged.

"Either way… did you really have to hit me in the head with your blasted water bottle?" Erk rubbed the spot on his cheek where the bottle had smacked him. "That really hurt!"

"You killed the ducks."

"So?"

"You. Killed. The. Ducks."

"This is the part of my life where I remember not to question you or your brilliant antics."

"Good boy!" Kate patted his head, "Now if you'll 'scuze me, I must go find the King. We leave tomorrow morning to head north.""

"What's up north?"

"I dunno."

"Great." Erk's eye twitched as he watched Kate skip through the battlefield and over to Raven. "We're heading up north and no one has any idea WHY."

"Erky."

"Yeah?"

"…What exactly is this story about? Nothing was accomplished in this chapter."

"Who knows. It's not like we ever accomplish much anyway."

* * *

"Do you want out of here or not!?"

"Tres bien, my love!" Pascal twirled the end of his mustache and blew kisses at Sonia.

"Wonderful," Sonia painfully smiled as she spoke through gritted teeth. This guy was disgusting. Oh well, she'd just kill him if Hector's HAHAHHAHAHA we don't have a name didn't kill him first. "You know what to do. Eliwood and Hector's little army will be here shortly. Failure is not an option."

"Anything for you, my love!"

"If you'll do anything, you'll get out there and do as I told you to."

"I will be like a Tiger on the battlefield! Growl!" Pascal waved his hand like a cat and winked at Sonia. "And I can be like a Tiger on other battlefields, too."

"GET. ON. THAT. FIELD. NOW!"

* * *

"Mmkay here's the battle plan." Kate slapped the map with a turkey bone she used as a pointer. "Raven you take the western front. Fiora, you take the eastern front. Everyone else, hang out in the middle."

"It's a Capture the Flag battle, Kate." Eliwood pointed to the indicator on the map. "Not a Defeat the Enemy."

"Yeah, but when everyone is dead and we have lotsa experience, we can take the castles no problem." Kate explained.

"That makes some sense," Eliwood continued, "but we have limited rations and can't afford to wear out the troops, especially after breakfast."

"Not my fault they hate your cooking."

"Shut up!" Eliwood pouted, "It's not my fault your brilliant tactics landed both Lowen and Canas in the infirmary."

"If I recall…" Hector jabbed Eliwood in the side, "It was you who ordered Lowen and Canas to the ballista while Wil was in possession of it."

"Was not!"

"Was too! Don't you remember?"

Flash back

"Canas! Lowen! Take down that archer in the ballista!" Eliwood shouted. Lowen and Canas quit arguing over whose cooking was better, and moved towards the ballista.

Wil sat inside the ballista, a bottle of mead in one hand and a box of matches in the other. He was singing "O Holy Night" at the top of his lungs as he poured the now half-full bottle of mead, the other resting in his body, all over the broken structure.

"Hey! Black Fang archer!" Lowen taunted, "Prepare to meet thy doom!"

"I ain't a blach faaaaaang!" Wil slurred and chucked the bottle at Lowen. Lowen blinked and looked to Canas, who just shrugged.

"Wil. Why are you shooting our troops?" Canas inquired.

"Uh…Beserk?" Wil quickly thought up as he hid the mead bottle behind him.

"Ah. In that case-"

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" Wil lit a match and threw it on the ballista, then bolted across the field towards Serra. Lowen and Canas looked at each and then to the flaming ballista.

And the conveniently placed gunpowder.

"Oh flux..."

End Flashback

"You sent Lowen and Canas to take out Wil?!" Kate bashed Eliwood upside the head with lamp.

"HE WAS SHOOTING OUR TROOPS! And youuuuuuuuuu put him there! HYENA!" Eliwood protested, but only received glares from Hector and Kate.

"…I'm notta hyena!"

"I say we should send Florina up here." Mark interrupted and began to move pieces about on the map, "And send Fiora over here, and then Erky and Lucy right here."

"Mark." Hector smiled sweetly, "Why are you sending the Pegasus knights to fight the archers?"

"Because they have cupcakes." Mark explained, "And cuz Nils said so."

"Send the winged ones into the archerrrrrrs." Nils hazily droned in the corner. Hector looked from Mark, to Nils, then back to Mark again.

"…Then why are Erk and Lucius going up against axemen?"

"They have NO resistance what so ever!"

"That's reasonable, but Lucius has next to no defense."

"So? The axe guys will chase Erk and Lucius because they can't resist them!"

"Er…"

"So once we get the cupcakes, we will load turtles into the catapults and FIRE AWAY!!"

"…We don't HAVE catapults."

"Oh. How about a turkey?"

"Ok that's it. We'll go with your plan, Kate." Hector rolled up the map and handed it to Tactician #2. "At least with yours we have only a 50 chance of failure and not 100."

* * *

"You can't send Raven down there all by himself!" Eliwood finally protested.

"Why not? He's quite capable of taking out all those axe guys by himself." Kate snorted, then sent Fiora on her way. "He IS the King after all."

"Well what about me!?"

"You go over there and stand in the trees and don't die."

"I HATE YOU!" Eliwood shouted, then stormed off to go stand in the trees.

"I don't caaaaaaaaare. Ooo cupcake…"

* * *

Erk and Lucius stood in the middle of a forest thicket, waiting to head wherever to heal anyone who needed healing. In short, they were slacking off and getting away with it.

"I haven't been this bored since the time we were stuck in the Four Fanged Fortress for Four months."

"You just used the letter f like… five times."

"…"

"I'm just as bored."

"Hey there, sweet thang!" a pirate hooted at Lucius from across a creek "Why don't ya come over here and I'll show ya some REAL magic!"

"HEY! YOU!" Raven pointed at the pirate with his silver blade, "GET OFF MY MONK!"

"MAKE ME!"

"I ain't no body's monk!" Lucius shouted and folded his arms across his chest.

"Watch your grammar." Erk corrected him as Raven beat the crap out of the pirate.

"Sorry." Lucius quickly straightened up. "I feel like dancing."

"No." Erk quickly shook his head, "That's Ninian's job and that's why she's on the complete other side of the field near Legault."

"It's in here somewhere…" Lucius rummaged around in his carrying bag and pulled out a myrmidon black market object. "Found it! Now I can practice!"

"Do you ever listen to me?"

"What?"

"ARGH!"

"ARGH! That's my line!" A pirate waved a fist at Erk before being attacked by Raven.

"Shut up and die!" slice.

"ARGH!" dead!

"HA!" Raven slung the sword over his shoulder. "Ow. 7 down, 4 more left to go… ERK get over here, I'm bleeding!"

"Yeah, yeah, don't get your thong up in a bunch…" Erk mumbled and wandered over to Raven.

Then stopped just a pace away.

"Dammit!"

"Have no fear!" Lucius chased after Erk, then turned on his black box.

"Lucius, you can't make me move again! You're not a dancer."

"I can too! Just watch!"

"No." Erk spat, but of course, Lucius didn't listen. A strange beat came on and Lucius danced about next to Erk, who, strangely, could move again. "I would say this is a sign to run away and hide in a dark place, but Raven would kill me."

"Exactly! Now heal your King!"

"There." Erk raised the heal staff, and Raven was surrounded in an annoying blue light and was instantly healed. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going to return to the forest area and try to convince myself that Lucius did not inspire me to move."


End file.
